


The Ledge

by Adiaphory



Series: Tobias Funke Inserts [2]
Category: Arrested Development, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Crossover, Meta, Oneshot, Season/Series 02, Short, arrested development - Freeform, reference to Boondock Saints
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 18:40:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5938971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adiaphory/pseuds/Adiaphory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The hallucinations Daryl endures were worse than the bolt in his side or the possible traumatic brain injury bleeding out in his skull. Why did Tobias have to be up on that ledge?</p>
<p>[Takes place in Season 2 when Daryl falls off that cliff while searching for Sophia. Alternate reality where Tobias Funke is an unlikely survivor of the apocalypse]</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ledge

**Author's Note:**

> Written back in high school, 2 years ago. It's about to get weird.

The fall down the steep ledge left Daryl disoriented, a searing pain in his temple. The blood was sticky on his skin and the Georgia humidity didn't help; he felt like he would vomit from the imminent heat stroke and minor brain damage.

His crossbow lay abandoned next to him, a bolt still protruding from his side but more painful-- the fall must have ripped it around. Daryl faded in and out of consciousness, feeling too sick to concentrate on his surroundings or the mere fact that he was out in the open, bleeding, acting as perfect Walker bait.

He opened his eyes, unaware he was even knocked out. His eyes focused on a man hovering above him, until he became clear as day.

"Taking a cat nap?"

"Shu' the fuck up..." He murmured, too weak to even talk properly.

"Oh, you little pussy!"

"The fuck you say?!" Daryl sat up fast, regretting so as a head rush sent bursts of pain to his temple and the back of his eyes. He eased back down on his back, his hand gripping his throbbing side.

"You know, cat nap, pussy cat. You're such a tease!"

Daryl could handle being impaled by his own arrow. He could handle the (apparently) major brain damage. He could even handle losing Merle and Sophia, hell, he could handle the years of his old man beating him with a leather belt until he passed out! But this... He wasn't ready for this hell:

_Hallucinating about Tobias fucking Fünke taunting him by the riverbed._

"Why couldn't I hallucinate about Merle," he muttered to himself. He'd much prefer Merle's harsh words and abuse than the irritating Tobias.

Tobias reached out a hand, smiling wide. Daryl glared at him, smacking the imaginary hand away as he struggled to his feet on his own. Tobias went to grab the crossbow but Daryl lunged for it instead; there was no way in hell he'd let Tobias touch his crossbow, even if it wasn't really Tobias.

Two Walkers stumbled closer to Daryl through the shallow creak. He readied his knife to attack, not wanting to waste any energy in getting up until he had to; his head was killing him and his side hurt something awful. He was sure he'd pass out again soon.

The Walkers suddenly turned around, hurrying to the opposite direction. There were no animals or people to be found, why would they suddenly leave?

Daryl looked up to the concussion-induced Tobias. Looks like Walkers hated being around Tobias, even when he was just a hallucination.

Daryl winced as he slung the crossbow over his shoulder. He felt for Sophia's doll, luckily it remained in his belt where he had previously placed it. He felt around the ground until he found a sturdy fallen branch to use as a cane. The hunter began trekking up the steep hillside, ignoring Tobias every time he'd pipe up a compliment or stupid fact.

"Ah, the fresh air feels nice on my sweaty member!" Tobias waved his arm as emphasis.

Daryl glanced over. "That's not what that means... never mind, fuck it." Correcting Tobias never helped before, correcting the imaginary one was just a waste of time.

Daryl groaned with each step, pulling himself forward with the branch.

"My, my, Daryl! You've got a big shaft there! Quite a hard stick, may I touch it?"

The blonde hurried his pace, fully aware that the quickened movement was only tearing the arrow through his side worse. Dark blood seeped through his undershirt, warm and constant.

"You can do it!" Tobias' encouragement only pissed off the redneck more. "Oh, you're getting your man juice on your shirt! Reminds me of a monologue I once did..."

"GOD NO," Daryl wailed, dropping the makeshift cane and running up the incline. He had to escape this hell.

Tobias appeared at the top of the ledge, to Daryl's dismay.

"Hello, I am Tobias Fünke, and this is the monologue I have prepared. I will play the part of both Connor and Murphy!"

Daryl's eye twitched. What had he done to deserve this?

"And we shall flow a river forth to thee, teeming with souls will it ever--"

Daryl scrambled up the rest of the incline, finally at the top with Tobias. He immediately punched the man as hard as he could, willing to spend the little strength he had.

"YOU WILL NOT FUCKIN' RUIN THE BOONDOCK SAINTS FOR ME!" The hallucination was now gone, and the hunter sighed in relief that he finally beat his demon.

Daryl stumbled back onto the Greene farm, bloody and limping. Someone yelled out, "Walker!" He was too out of it to fully grasp the situation. T-Dog, Glenn, Rick, and Shane rushed to him, holding guns and blunt weapons.

"'Bout time you put a gun to my head," he slurred at Rick. Suddenly another man came skipping up to them.

"Sorry I'm late, I was just showering!" Tobias said, holding a frying pan as a weapon and wearing only a pair of soaked cut-offs.

On the RV Andrea focused her gun on Daryl, despite a frantic "Don't shoot!"

Daryl looked up, seeing the blonde woman aiming at him. He yelled out, "Shoot!" He looked at Tobias and back to the RV. "I'm a fucking Walker, shoot me!"

Andrea missed the shot, only grazing Daryl's head.


End file.
